failure on my lips

so today i found out that i failed my first class.
my laziness and procrastination paid off.
i feel like punching myself in the face.
my stomach has been upset all day.
failure wasn't supposed to be an option.
i forgot who i was for a minute.
i forgot that i have never been a scholar.
i have never been a good student.
i studied for almost 15 hours and i failed my final.
what does that say?
i want oh so badly to ask my proff if he might give me some grace,
but i dont deserve it.
i remember this feeling.
its old, but familiar.
i see all the things that ive failed at lately.
school, work, friendship.
and there is no one to blame except me.
i need to lay all these things at His feet, but im too ashamed to show Him my face.
i keep acting like its all ok, when its not.
am i being too hard on myself?
or do i deserve to feel like crap.
im allowing myself to be discouraged by my faults.
when i shouldn't.
Christ has made me new.
i have been redeemed.
i need to act like it.
so that is my prayer.
that i might live with an attitude of redemption.
an attitude of being the beloved.

the dead are dancing with the dead.

what do we do when we love someone or something that we cant have?
its like being a child and watching an action filled movie.
all you can do is just sit and watch, letting all your feeling rush through you.
and just like a child your imagination always gets the best of you.
its been all too long. ive come to far.
i cannot be distracted by day dreams.
i cant allow my imagination to run riot in the streets of my mind.
so what to do...
do all i can to lay it at my God's feet. give Him the burden i so long to bare.
and until i can do that i will smile and with every bit of confidence i can muster up, cover it up.
Life is good.
God is good.
that needs to be my focus.

my voice fails.

upon my arrival, i either learn to swim or drown, as i struggle for air i see only water and i reach for anything as a cry for help.
i feel my body growing weak
Slipping away, It occurs to me that my cries are worthless
Acknowledging death
I no longer mourn my own loss
And begin to sing praises to the one that has me here
As I sink to my salty grave I drown
No hand to reach for, no ear to listen
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound... In Your ear or God.

Yup.