failure on my lips

so today i found out that i failed my first class.
my laziness and procrastination paid off.
i feel like punching myself in the face.
my stomach has been upset all day.
failure wasn't supposed to be an option.
i forgot who i was for a minute.
i forgot that i have never been a scholar.
i have never been a good student.
i studied for almost 15 hours and i failed my final.
what does that say?
i want oh so badly to ask my proff if he might give me some grace,
but i dont deserve it.
i remember this feeling.
its old, but familiar.
i see all the things that ive failed at lately.
school, work, friendship.
and there is no one to blame except me.
i need to lay all these things at His feet, but im too ashamed to show Him my face.
i keep acting like its all ok, when its not.
am i being too hard on myself?
or do i deserve to feel like crap.
im allowing myself to be discouraged by my faults.
when i shouldn't.
Christ has made me new.
i have been redeemed.
i need to act like it.
so that is my prayer.
that i might live with an attitude of redemption.
an attitude of being the beloved.